Letter

So I have spent the time thinking and writing a letter to send to BIL and SIL so I can express how they have made me feel in the past year and how much they hurt me at mother's day.  I hope and pray that they accept and understand and will be more open and accepting of me.  The letter follows I am sending it with my husband to deliver in person when he goes to his parents house.


To Matt and Lisa,
I am writing this letter to let you know that I forgive you for the pain and the hurt that you have caused me and following scripture will continue to 70 times 7 times.  I would hope that not be necessary but I don’t know how you will take this and how you will treat me.  I write this in a letter because I am able to more accurately express my feelings without getting mad and upset.
I have enclosed two songs that have been playing on the radio.  I feel like these songs are speaking to me and were Gods answer to my prayer on what I should do.  It seems like every time I was in the car in June and July the song Losing would be playing.  I was singing the chorus for a while before I finally really listened to the lyrics and understood this song was written about my side of the situation we are in.  It was kind of a slap in the face because of the part that is about choosing love or hate.  I don’t choose hate I never do.  I always choose love.  I love everyone in some way.  I realized then that I needed to figure something out.  I don’t want to be a prisoner like the song suggests.  The second song is titled Forgiveness and it started to be on the radio every time I was in the car in July and August.  I realized that I needed to forgive you guys for the pain and hurt that has been caused in the past year or two.
There are just a few things though that I need to also let you know.  They are just thoughts and feelings I have to let go of now.  First the pictures as it was one of the biggest hurts.  I am a photographer and I don’t hound people to get them to let me take their pictures.  I am not going to be calling trying to work around your schedule to take pictures that is not what a photographer does.  If you would like me to take pics you are more the welcome to call me and I can make you a deal.
Second I don’t understand what is going to be gained by ignoring someone while you are in their presence.  All this did was cause hurt and me to cry all the way home that day.   You have to accept people the way they are, you cannot change them by being mean to them it does no good.
Third I am getting this out of the way before the holidays begin.  I would like to be able to be a part of holiday celebrations.  I would like to be able to go to John and Jan’s when you are around and not feel that my presence is just horrible to you.  Unfortunately though, I don’t know right now if I will feel comfortable coming to your house even for a holiday.
I have treated you as family from the start but I have not felt the same from you.  Family doesn’t hurt each other and make one member isolated.  I have worked hard for birthdays and holidays hand making cards and gifts and not being appreciated for all I do.  Family understands when one member may have issues and they help make that person comfortable.  They go out of their way to make someone able to have a good time.  You all know I have issues with food but when we celebrated Christmas didn’t even think about what I would be able to eat.  A simple call to ask us to bring something or to ask what I would like, would have made my day better and allowed me to enjoy the day with everyone. But you two don’t think like that and that makes me not feel like a part of the family to you.  
Well getting this all out of the way and giving you my forgiveness I am basically putting the ball in your court.  It is now up to you how things will go from here.  If I am feeling loved and accepted for who I am then things may get better and be more comfortable.  If I still feel hatred and unaccepted as a family member then I guess things will just stay the same.  I don’t really know what else to do.  I am who I am God made me a little different from others but I deal with it how I need to.  I just hope you will accept that I am putting my heart out there for you and hope you won’t step on it again.
Love,
Catherine  

Writing

So I express myself best if I have the time to sit down and think and type.  I don't do good with confrontations and prefer to write.  I feel that I need to send BIL and SIL a letter letting them know my feelings and that I forgive them for how they have treated me.  I have been hearing some songs on the radio that are making me feel the need to do this.

The first is Losing by Tenth Avenue North I feel like it completely tells my story of what has been going on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5J7vis9GV8

The second is Forgiveness by Matthew West.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Lu5udXEZI

These songs have spoken to me and I know I can forgive them and hopefully make things better in the future.    I am off to Leadership Lab in a few weeks and am going to spend some time praying and thinking about the words that need to come through.

Am I family?

Next week Eric and I will be celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary.  We have been together for 4 years.  I have spent those 4 years being polite and considerate of his family.  I have been loving and thoughtful.  I have reached out to them whenever possible.  I am a nice person and a lot of times put others before myself and love everyone.  I accepted Eric's family as mine early on in our relationship.  His parents also accepted me as well and I love them.  His brother and sister-in-law are another story.

I am always thinking of them. Over the years I have always been friendly asking how they are how the kids have been (we have 2 newphews).  I like to make conversation and don't like just sitting with people and not talking.  Just ask Eric about our first date where I wouldn't shut up he didn't say much but was ok with that.  So I am always trying to make small talk with them. 

Now I give up.  This kindness has been one-sided for too long.  It should not just be on me to be the nice one and always being shunned in return.  I try to make small talk and get answers from them that a teenager would give a parent.  One word answers and oks and such.  I am to the breaking point.  Last summer we were all at Eric's parents and the boys were out in the yard playing and SIL and I were sitting on the deck.  So I tried to talk to her and I got one answer and then ignored.  She was just sitting watching the others play and wouldn't talk to me.  So I felt like I was sitting there being ignored.  Her excuse was she had a headache. Now my thought is that if you have such a bad headache you can't make polite conversation maybe you should go lay down in some quiet for a bit.

Then there was Christmas. First they never really gave me a chance to take some pics of the kids. (I am a photographer)  By the time I did they did still have time to print them as cards.  But they told me they had already got cards.  I just kinda shrugged it off at the time it was 2 weeks before Christmas.  They took their kids to Portrait Innovations the place that FIRED me.  They claimed they didn't know I worked there but they knew they just didn't care.

So then it came time to celebrate Christmas as a family.  They will never get together on the holiday because they want to spend their time with the kids and I respect that. So we all gathered at BIL and SIL's house on new years day to celebrate Christmas together.  First when we get there they are both so busy that they can't even say hi to anyone and welcome us into their home.  No hi how are you, nothing.  Then they keep being so busy and it seems like the rest of us are just there to entertain their kids for a while.  They decided to just have snack type foods to eat instead of sitting down and having a meal which I have no problem with.  I do have a problem in that I have food sensitivities and there is a lot I can't eat.  They take no consideration for this and there was basically nothing for me to eat.  I picked at a couple of chicken legs but that was it.  (This is not this first time I haven't had much to eat at their home, they never consider my problems with food)  So then of course I am munching on too many sweets like cookies and starving by the time I get home because there was nothing else for me to eat.

Mother's day threw in the final straw.  Eric and I arrived first at his parents house but our nephews were already there as they had spent a couple of days there.  So we had some time to hang out with his parents and the kids before the BIL and SIL showed up.  When they did I was holding their youngest and they came over and talked to him but nothing to me.  They told everyone hi and gave others hugs and didn't say a word to me.  So I felt like such and outcast.  Then they didn't speak to me the entire time they were there and I ended up crying most of the way home because I felt like crap.  It was at this time that my MIL was more informed as to the way they had been treating me and she noticed as well.

Eric asked them why they didn't talk to me or even say hi and they first acted like they didn't realize they didn't even say hi to me.  Then the truth came out.  They purposely decided not to speak to me because they feel like I don't know how to have a conversation.

At this point I am hurt so badly.  This is not how I have ever seen family treat one another.  I feel like I am not a part of the family just an outcast and I don't belong.  I really don't want to be around them any more.  I am done.  I know the answer to the question.  No I am not family.

Whats up with us

So wow it has been a long time since I have last posted.  Not that anyone really reads this anyway.  I haven't let friends and family know about it because I am not sure I am ready for them to be reading.  Anyway it has been forever since I posted and the biggest thing that has happened is we have moved.

We really didn't like our old apartment, there were a ton of kids and nobody watched them.  We would have them trying to come in our backdoor and if the door was open they would stand there and yell in the screen.  They would come up to our windows and pound on them and play under them.  You could never just have a nice peaceful time with all the kids about.  Then there was the upstairs which would be so loud with the music she would play.  She would also get about 12 kids up there and it would sound like the ceiling was going to cave in on us.  

But it was cheap and it got us though a tough time.  But now we are better off and have moved in to what is hopefully our last rental place.  It is a duplex on the other side of town and it is nice and quiet.  We can enjoy being outside and having our windows open without kids yelling in.  I have been able to plant some flowers in pots on the step which is something we couldn't do in our last place as the kids would have destroyed them.  It is acually a bit smaller then our last place and probably the smallest we have lived in but it is working for us.  We have our own washer and dryer and a garage.  We are enjoying it quite a bit. 

Well I do have more but that is for another post about this month.  Time for me to go get kids up from nap. 
Catherine

Pseudotumor Cerebri

Back in January I went to the dr. because I was having some wierd spells where I would turn and feel almost dizzy.  They couldn't find anything really wrong a little fluid in my ear and so sent me with amoxicillian for a sinus/ear infection.  By the end of January I wasn't better.  Things had changed.  There were times when it seemed like one eye would be dimmer then the other.  Then it started that it would take my eyes longer to adjust even to slight changes of light.  Worried that something was wrong with my vision I made an appointment with the eye dr.  I paid the extra $35 for the retina scan and it is good that I did.  The scan showed the reason for my problems, my optic nerves were swollen. 

Now optic nerves swelling is a sign of increased pressure in the head for some reason.  So I was sent for an mri to look for a tumor or an abcess.  Thankfully the mri came out completly normal.  My primary dr.'s office wasn't going to do anything from there just follow up with my eye dr., unless I had headaches.  I said I had headaches, which I didn't but I needed to figure this out.  By this time my eyes had gotten worse and there were times that I almost couldn't see at all until they adjusted and this is just under slight changes of light. 

Of course the dr I was refered to couldn't get me in for a month.  So I had to deal with it and with my eyes getting worse and worse.  There was times I stepped on the cats because I couldn't see a thing and they were in front of me.  I would walk out of the bedroom and have to stop until I could see.  It was scary. 

Once I finally made it to the dr.  I knew what I had and just needed a confirmation and treatment. The dr. agreed with me that I had pseudotumor cerebri, increased pressure caused by buildup of spinal fluid in the head.  For some reason it wasn't draining properly and building up pressure. The dr. took a look at my optic nerves and was worried that we needed to move quickly on this because he was worried I could lose my vision.  So he started me on meds right away and set up for a spinal tap on good friday to drain fluid off right away.  Plus another mri and a whole host of bloodwork.

So I saw this dr on tuesday before easter.  Wednesday I had to have an mri, Thursday morning the lady took about 6 vials of blood, and Friday morning I had to be at the hospital by 9 for more bloodwork and the spinal.  I was so scared and nervous, my blood pressure was through the roof. 

After the spinal I had to lay on my back for 5 hours to help avoid a spinal headache.  Well I should have just packed it up and went home because I got the headache anyway.  It was horrible, I couldn't be upright without my head hurting.  The pain started to make me nauseous and I was throwing up on easter.  I couldn't keep anything down.  My parents were even so nice to bring us easter dinner because there was no way I was going to make it to their house.  I ate a bit before the nausea set in and waited until they left before I was sick. 

My mom came up Monday to help me because Eric had to work.  I got a dr. appointment with my primary and she sent me to the ER after talking to the neuro on call who agreed that I needed a blood patch.  I didn't know what it was but if it was going to help me I was ready.  We actually got into triage in about an hour and to a room in a hour and a half. They tried twice to start an IV before they got this little light to shine on my arm to help them.  The nurse got it right in so no more pokes.  They got me some fluid which I needed as I was so nauseous I wasn't eating or drinking much and they gave me some anti-nausea meds.  They called the anestigologist to do the patch and when he came down he said I didnt need it I needed caffiene and rest which I had been doing.  I left with some pain meds and whateven pain med they put in the IV made me feel great.

Mom spent then night so we could try again Tuesday.  I called the number I was given in the ER of a dr who was going to do the patch but then they weren't in my network and I can't afford it.  So I was just crying and called the neuro dr. office back to see what to do that no one could help me,  they had me call my primary again and I was on the phone forever trying to get someone to do something to help me.  They finally got a hold of the neuro dr and he said he didn't want me to have the patch.  It was good that I had a leak since the point was to get fluid off.  It didn't help though because I had a headache and was stuck in bed or on the couch.  I ended up not going to work all week.  I got so bored too.

But now I have been back to work and back to packing, hard to believe a week ago I was stuck on the couch.  We are going to start moving to our new place next week but that is another post.
catherine

Work

So things are going good right now for us.  Eric has been working for 2 and 1/2 weeks now and it is going pretty good.  He trained really quickly and is doing great.  He is a little sore in the shoulders and fingers and his toe nails are purple.  Otherwise he is doing great and the pay is good too. 
I have cut down my hours to 10 a day instead of 12 and this week I have all four kids as they are all on spring break this week.  It may take a miracle for grandma and I to make it to friday.  But I will get paid good this week too. Which will add to our savings right now.

I am also a couponer and have been having a great time this week.  Logli is doing triple coupons and I have bought 22 jugs of laundry soap in the last 2 days. But I have also saved over $70 this week alone and I still have shopping to do in the next couple of days.  I am starting to accumulate a stockpile and am hiding part of it from Eric because I don't think he would be happy with all the laundry soap.  He doesn't like it enough that I have gotten so much deodorant and I am going to buy more tomarrow.  I have gotten cat treats and diet pepsi free this week.

If you have any questions about coupons let me know  otherwise have a great week.
catherine

Eric's job

So a few months after I started my job with the kids, Eric went and quit his job.  He wasn't happy and had wanted to go to truck driving school and said he was going to do that so I let him quit.  Well he thought about it and decided not to drive and so was just searching for a job in one of the hardest times to be without a job.  The national unemployment rate was going up and no one was hireing. 
Here we are 2 and 1/2 years later and the good news is that he starts his new job monday.  It has been a rough time but we have made it through.  I am so happy for him.  He is working at chrysler in belvidere here.  I feel a great weight taken off my shoulders with him starting work.  I have worked my hardest to make ends meet and pay all the bills.  I got rid of cable for a while and applied for food stamps to help us out.  And now starting monday he will be making money again so we can start building up our savings and get out of debt and move on with life. 
I have felt that our life was at a standstill the last 2years waiting for this job. I wanted to start a family and buy a house in the first years of our marriage but that has been put on hold for now.  My focus is to build up a savings and to pay off debt and be done with debt and credit cards for good. 
Good luck monday to my wonderful hubby.  Hopefully he may keep this job for years to come.
Until next time.
Catherine